When Control Disguises Itself as Love: Understanding Coercive Control 

By Jessica Forero, LCSW
The Edge of Greatness Psychotherapy, PLLC

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but many people still imagine domestic violence only in terms of visible bruises or shouting matches. In reality, one of the most damaging forms of abuse often leaves no physical marks at all. It’s called coercive control—a slow, subtle erosion of a person’s freedom, safety, and sense of self.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors designed to dominate another person through manipulation, isolation, intimidation, or emotional dependence. It’s not always about overt violence—it’s about creating a dynamic where one person feels trapped, confused, and small.

Sometimes coercive control shows up as:

• Financial control: Monitoring spending, restricting access to money, sabotaging employment, or insisting all accounts stay in one partner’s name.
  
  

• Emotional manipulation: Threats like “I’ll kill myself if you leave me,” or constant guilt-tripping that makes leaving feel impossible.
  
  

• Isolation: Discouraging friendships, criticizing family, or creating drama anytime the other person tries to connect with support.
  
  

• Gaslighting: Denying events, twisting memories, or insisting “you’re too sensitive” until the victim begins to question their own perception of reality.
  
  

• Degradation: Subtle put-downs, eye rolls, or comparisons that chip away at confidence and reinforce power imbalance.
  
  

These behaviors may not always sound dramatic, but their cumulative effect is profound. Victims often describe feeling like they’re “walking on eggshells,” “losing themselves,” or “not sure what’s real anymore.”

Why It’s So Hard to Recognize

Coercive control often masquerades as love, protection, or concern.
It might start with compliments like “I just want to spend all my time with you,” or “I worry when you go out with those friends.” Over time, that attention turns into surveillance, control, and fear—but by then, it’s confusing. The victim has been conditioned to believe the abuser’s emotional stability depends on them.

Because coercive control doesn’t always include physical violence, it’s often minimized—by the victim, by friends, and even by professionals. But the emotional scars it leaves are real. They affect mental health, self-worth, and the ability to trust future relationships.

The Emotional Toll

Living under coercive control often leads to:

• Anxiety, hypervigilance, or a constant sense of tension.
  
  

• Shame and self-blame (“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”).
  
  

• Emotional numbness or detachment.
  
  

• Difficulty making decisions or trusting oneself.
  
  

Healing involves more than leaving—it’s about rebuilding a sense of agency, learning to identify healthy boundaries, and reconnecting with one’s own internal compass.

Reclaiming Yourself

If any of this feels familiar, know this: the control you’ve experienced says nothing about your strength or intelligence. These patterns work precisely because they target your empathy, loyalty, and desire for connection. Those are not flaws—they are signs of your humanity.

Recovery begins with awareness and support. Therapy can help survivors name the patterns, rebuild confidence, and learn what healthy interdependence looks like. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened—it means reclaiming the parts of yourself that were never truly lost.

If You Need Help

If you or someone you know may be experiencing coercive control or domestic violence, support is available 24/7:
📞 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
💬 Text: START to 88788
🌐 thehotline.org

You deserve relationships where your voice, choices, and emotions are respected.
Freedom doesn’t always begin with leaving—it often begins with seeing the pattern clearly for the first time.